


Howl's Hype House

by ellecim



Category: Howl Series - Diana Wynne Jones, Howl's Moving Castle - All Media Types
Genre: F/M, howl's hype house, howls moving castle but its written like a 2012 one direction fanfic and also theyre eboys, i wrote this just to make myself laugh so if u dont like it pls dont come for me, lets pretend the poor pacing and bad characterization is just me being historically accurate, rated t for cursing, this started as a joke and got out of hand
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-20
Updated: 2021-02-25
Packaged: 2021-03-03 00:15:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 11,052
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24295699
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ellecim/pseuds/ellecim
Summary: When Sophie's stepmother decided to sell her, she had never imagined her buyer would be notorious TikTok eboy, Howl Pendragon. Working at a house occupied by three boys turns out to be more complicated than Sophie had hoped when she makes a deal with "bad boy" Calcifer and then indivertibly gets swept up in a conflict between Howl and a powerful egirl, WitchOfTheWaste.
Relationships: Michael Fisher/Martha Hatter, Sophie Hatter/Howl Pendragon
Comments: 65
Kudos: 138





	1. In Which Sophie Is Human Trafficked

**Author's Note:**

> This is based more on the book than the movie, so if you're not familiar here's the main differences that'll come up!  
> -Sophie has "red-gold" hair and "blue-green" eyes  
> -Martha is Sophie's 15-year-old sister  
> -Markl is a 15-year-old boy named Micheal  
> -Howl has a PHD

Sophie eyed the clock on the wall, there was only one more minute until closing and she was desperate to lock up the hat shop. Suddenly, the bell above the door rang out. Sophie cursed under her breath and then did her best to put on a customer service smile. She turned and looked at the woman who had entered. She wore a short black dress and fishnets over her thicc juicy thighs.

“Hello,” Sophie greeted her, “I’m sorry but I’m afraid we’re closed now, miss.”

“But you close at 9:00? It’s only 8:59.” The woman raised her slitted eyebrow.

Sophie tried to stay calm “I’m sorry but I’m going to have to ask you to leave now.” The girl ignored her and glanced around the shop. “Everything here is so tacky. You don’t even have any Supreme,” She laughed.

“Ma’am this is a hat shop.”

The girl eyed her up and down, “I don’t like your attitude. I would like to speak to your manager.”

Sophie held her tongue and nodded and ran to the back to fetch her stepmother, Fanny. She told her about the woman waiting in the shop and Fanny told Sophie to just go to her room and she would close the shop herself.

Happy to be done for the day, even with the sour encounter she had just had, Sophie went up to her room and put on her favorite grey dress and threw her long red-gold hair into a messy braid.

“Come down here!” She heard her stepmother call an hour later. Sophie obediently ran back down the stairs to the shop and saw the rude woman from earlier was gone. Fanny continued once she arrived, “A customer told me that as the eldest of three sisters, you’re the least likely to succeed if you seek your fortune, so— I’ve sold you. Meet your new owner!”

“What?!” Sophie cried.

Suddenly, she felt a hand on her shoulder “Hello, little mouse, I’m Howl Pendragon.”

Sophie looked up and her blue-green orbs met his. Before she even had time to think, she was taken by the hand and swept away, out of the house, out of the hat shop—away from everything she’s ever known.

Howl opened the door to a red Lambo parked outside the shop and, without thinking, she got in. Once inside, she could feel tears welling up in her eyes and it took all she had in her not to cry.

Howl got into the driver's seat and looked back at her through the rearview mirror, “don’t cry,” he told her, “you’re so sexy ahahah.”

His sentiments were not a comfort. In fact, they only made Sophie feel worse about her situation and her sorrow quickly turned to rage. “What the fuck does that even mean!” She exclaimed.

“Watch your language, cursing isn’t very becoming of a lady“ He pouted.

“Oooooh myyy goddddd….” Sophie was exasperated and at a loss for words. A moment of silence passed between the two as Howl pulled the car onto the road and they drove into the hills on the outskirts of town. “What are you going to do with me?” She finally asked.

“Well, my roommates keep complaining that I’m too “messy” or something like that, so I figured I’d get a maid.”

 _He just wants me to clean?_ Sophie thought, _I can do that. Maybe this won’t be too bad._

“What were you doing before this?” He asked casually as if he hadn’t just committed a federal crime.

“I worked at my parent’s hat shop.” She told him.

“...and?”

“And what?” Sophie raised a brow, annoyed.

“What else did you do?” He urged her to continue, “like for fun, I mean.”

Sophie opened her mouth but closed it shortly after. She pondered the question and realized she couldn’t remember the last time she had done anything just for fun. “Nothing.” She finally replied.

“What do you mean nothing?!” Howl furrowed his brows, “don’t you have hobbies or something? Friends you’d hang out with? A boyfriend?”

“Nope.” She answered plainly.

“Huh...” Howl said, “well, that's lame.”

“Well, Mr. Judgmental, what do you do?”

“I’m an eboy.” He told her smugly.

“What the fuck is that?”

“You know, an _eboy_ , ” he repeated himself, clarifying nothing.

“I obviously don’t know, bitch, just tell me.” She snapped.

Howl sighed, “I, like, make videos with my squad and post pics on social media and stuff like that.”

“Wait....” Sophie squinted her eyes, suspiciously, “you’re not one of those TikTok assholes are you…?”

Howl’s eyes lit up. “Yes! That's me!”

Sophie tried to remember what her youngest sister, Martha, had told her about them. Martha was a big fan of the guys on TikTok, she had even begged Fanny to let her go to one of their meet and greets in town, but her stepmother had rightfully refused. Sophie usually tuned her out when she spoke excitedly about them, but now she suddenly wished she had paid more attention.

“So you just post thirst traps and lip-syncing videos and that’s like… your job?”

He laughed, “yes, that’s one way of putting it.”

“Well, how would you put it?” Sophie crossed her arms.

“I’d say we’re creating art through our short films that show off both our talent and beauty.”

She snorted and rolled her eyes but thought it beneath her to reply. The car eventually slowed as they pulled into the driveway of a house hidden out in the hills, surrounded by undeveloped land. The house was not as impressively large as she remembered them advertising it as in Martha’s favorite videos, but it was large nonetheless. The outside, in general, was a mess… It was not necessarily filthy, but the patches of half-painted walls and abandoned projects that left bits of scrap metal and rotting wood littered in the unkempt yard let Sophie know Howl and his friends were not ones to finish what they started.

_Maybe I do have my work cut out for me_ , she looked at the building with disgust. Without taking her eyes off the monstrosity she reached for the car handle, but found that Howl had already opened the door for her. She decisively ignored him and made a b-line towards the front door next to the drive.

“What? No "thank you"?” He teased.

“Fuck you.” Sophie waited impatiently by the door. Any trace of sadness at her situation had worn off and she was filled with nothing but resentment. She wasn’t usually so aggressive towards people she had just met, but she was angry and Howl was just so… bulliable.

He shrugged off her hostility and closed the car door. He strode over and let Sophie inside. Sophie was only slightly relieved by what she saw. The place was a pig’s sty— a classic bachelor pad—but overall, it was a stark contrast to the deceiving construction of the outside. The entire space had a warm honey-colored hardwood and the living room was cozy, with a small couch and coffee table that faced a blazing fireplace. The back of the couch divided the room and created a small dining area composed of a simple wooden table that, much to Sophie’s dismay, was entirely covered in clutter. Behind the dining and living room was an open kitchen, whose surfaces were also covered, and whose sink was stuffed with moldy neglected dishes.

Sitting by the fireplace was a boy with bright curly orange hair that put Sophie’s to shame, green eyes, and a much too large flame patterned button-up tucked into tight ripped black jeans. He was busily typing away on his phone and didn’t bother to look up when Howl and Sophie entered. Howl cleared his throat to get the boy’s attention.

He merely glanced over in their direction before looking back at his phone. “Who’s the chick?”

“Calcifer!” Howl scoffed, “I’m surprised by you, don’t call her “chick,” we drink respect women juice in this house!”

“I’m Sophie.” She told the boy, completely having tuned out Howl by now.

“Nice to meet you,” another boy was making his way down the stairs across the room. Sophie noticed he looked a bit younger than Howl, probably about Martha’s age. His brown hair hung loosely over his forehead and he wore a purple shirt over a black and white striped turtleneck and jeans. He came over to them and offered her a sweet smile and handshake. “I’m Micheal, but you can call me Mike.” He winked and Sophie recoiled instantly and retracted her hand. “That’s Calcifer,” he pointed to the first boy she had seen.

“So,” Calcifer finally put down his phone and joined them by the entrance, “I take it you’re not a fan?”

“Not particularly.” She told him with a scowl.

“Valid” Micheal shrugged.

“So what are you doing here?” The vibrant ginger asked.

“I’ve bought her to be our maid.” Howl smiled proudly like a child telling his mother he had finished his chores.

“Lord knows you need one,” Calcifer mumbled and walked away, apparently disinterested with the answer.

“Oh, that explains it!” Micheal hit his hand against his palm “I was wondering why you went into town without your guitar! I was beginning to think you might’ve fallen in love!”

“Ha!” Calcifer laughed from across the room, “as if that would ever happen!”

Howl frowned and stuck his tongue out in his direction. “The problem isn’t that I’ve never been in love, it's that I fall in love too often.” He said, matter-of-factly.

Micheal laughed and went back up the stairs, “yeah, _love_ that's what it is.”

Howl scoffed at the boy, Sophie was confused but decided she didn’t care enough to ask about it. The blond boy turned his attention back to Sophie, “let me show you to your room,” he smiled warmly. Howl led her across the living room to the staircase where Micheal had just disappeared and pulled back a faded violet curtain to reveal a small room carved into the side. Inside was just enough room for a twin bed and a small nightstand adorned with a fresh flower sitting in a chipped vase. “Jesus Christ” She whispered under her breath.

“So,” Howl beamed, “do you like it?”

“Well..” Sophie breathed out and did her best to smile, she decided she had been rude enough as is, “… it sure is a room with a bed.”

“Great!” He took that as approval. “Ok so basically, you can clean anywhere in the house except my bedroom and bathroom.”

“Okay...”

“Also please try to leave the spiders alone.”

“What spiders….” Sophie looked around nervously.

“Oh they're nothing dangerous, they just hang out in corners and build webs that catch flies and such— just let them be.”

“Alright... It's your house...” Seemingly satisfied with her reply, Howl nodded and walked up the stairs, and a moment later, she heard the shutting of a door above her. Sophie let out a breath she didn’t know she was holding and sat down on the small mattress. She looked up and realized Calcifer was watching her from across the room. “Yes?” She raised a brow at him.

“How’d you end up here?” He asked, “like what happened to you that you were so desperate you went with Howl? Did he tell you he loves you or something?”

“What? No?” She furrowed her brows in confusion and disgust. “Also, its none of your business why I’m here,” she told him. “Besides, it’s not like I’m here by choice.”

“But now you’re stuck here, right?”

“I guess so..”

“Looks like we’re in the same boat.” Calcifer said.

Sophie sat up, intrigued “what do you mean?”

“That's none of your business, now is it?” He smiled.

She frowned and laid back in her bed.

“But maybe we can help each other…” He walked over and knelt down next to Sophie. “Look, I can’t talk about it, but I have a sort of contract with Howl, I can’t tell you what the conditions are, but if you happen to figure them out on your own… you could help break it.”

“And what's in it for me?” She asked, still laying back.

“In return, I’ll find a way to get you out of this and you can go back to whatever you were doing before.”

Sophie thought about it for a moment, _It's not like I have much to go home to, but I sure as shit don't want to stay here_. “Alright.” She propped herself up on her elbows, “you got yourself a deal.”


	2. In Which Sophie Asserts Her Dominance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sophie does her job and bullies everyone.

Sophie decided to neglect her new duties that first day. Opting instead to turn in early and prepare to tackle the mess in the morning, once she had a full night of rest. As she laid in bed she glanced over to the vase on her little table. _The flower was a nice touch_ , she smiled, before drifting off to sleep.

Sophie got up the next morning promptly at 7:00 AM, her internal clock keeping with her previous schedule. She was used to getting up early to prepare before opening the hat shop, so this groggy early morning feeling wasn’t new— but the room she woke up in, on the other hand… She had nearly forgotten the events of the previous day and was less than pleased to see it hadn’t all been a horrible dream. She got out of bed, still wearing the same grey dress as the day before, and re-braided her hair in an attempt to keep it semi-tidy. She pushed apart the curtain that separated her and the mess of the first floor and sighed as she looked around at the dust and clutter scattered all over the ground. No time like the present, she thought before rolling her sleeves up. It was nearly 9:00 by the time Micheal woke up and groggily wandered downstairs.

“What are you doing?” He asked, still wearing what Sophie assumed were his pajamas, though if she was being honest, she could not tell trendy oversized attire apart from sleepwear most of the time anyway.

“Cleaning.” She answered simply and strained as she tried to push aside the couch. “Once I’m done down here, I’m moving to the rooms upstairs, so anything you don't want to be thrown away, hide it now.”

Micheal’s eyes went wide and, with a jolt of adrenaline, he was suddenly awake. “Do my room last, okay?” he begged as he rushed up the stairs, disappearing into the hall and slamming a door behind him.

Sophie laughed to herself, _it was kind of rewarding to be able to strike fear into the hearts of men like this_.

By 11:00, Calcifer finally made his way out of his room. His was the only real bedroom on the first floor, situated right behind the wall with the living room fireplace.

“Wha-” He began, looking at the barren room before him.

“Did you know that you guys own a mop?” Sophie asked sarcastically, pushing dirty water in his direction, “because from the state of this floor I don’t think you do!”

Calcifer eyed her fearfully and then cautiously went to take a step into the living room.

“No!” Sophie yelled, “Stay in your room ‘till I’m done, or crawl out the outside window for all I care! Just don't step on this floor yet!”

“What's going on here?” Howl was now making his own way down the stairs. His long blond hair had been freshly cut and combed and he wore an open-neck silk white blouse, tucked into a pair of black skinny jeans, the same pink and blue bomber jacket Sophie had seen him in yesterday was also draped over his shoulders.

“She's bullying me!” Calcier cried.

“Not many people can do that.” Howl laughed, unsympathetic.

Calcifer mumbled some curses under his breath before retreating back into his room and shutting the door, like a dog with its tail between its legs.

“I’m heading out,” Howl announced and strode across the shining wet floor.

“Hey! I just cleaned that!” Sophie yelled.

Howl waved her off and grabbed the acoustic guitar that stood propped against the wall next to the door and left without another word.

“Piece of shit...” She grumbled once he was gone and went back to mopping.

Once she had finished cleaning all but Howl and Calcifer’s rooms—not due to any sort of respect for Calcifer, but she feared what she might see if she barged into a single man’s room unannounced—she smoothed out her dress and rebraided her hair in preparation to go out.

“Are you leaving?” Micheal asked. The boy had finished arranging his room and had been seated at the kitchen table taking selfies and watching her clean for the past hour.

“I mean, I have to come back eventually,” she told him. Though she hadn’t known him long— the two had chatted a bit while she worked and he seemed to be the most tolerable of the three men. “I’m just going to a cafe in town to visit my sister.”

“Can I come with?” he asked.

“Why would you want to do that?” She cocked an eyebrow.

He shrugged, “I’m bored.”

“Sure.” Sophie sighed, there was no real reason for her to refuse the company.

Howl had taken the car so the two made small talk as they walked the mile into town. Micheal tried to ask Sophie about her life before meeting Howl, but she dodged each of his questions, steering the conversation in any other random direction. It wasn’t that Sophie had anything to hide, there just honestly wasn’t much to share. At home, all she had ever done was work at her family’s hat shop and not much else. Thinking about it now, it all seemed a bit sad.

“Oh yeah,” Sophie suddenly remembered the guys’ conversation from the day before, “what was all that about Howl and his guitar and love yesterday?”

“Oh, that?” Micheal laughed, “Howl has this nasty habit of going out and “falling in love” with girls.” He rolled his eyes, “once he finds a girl he’s even slightly interested in—she's all he can think or talk about and he won’t rest until she loves him too.”

Sophie snorted. “So, is he just always rotating through different girlfriends then?”

“No, you see, the second they fall in love with him, he loses interest and ghosts them.”

“Wow, he’s more of a dick than I thought.” “I mean it's all part of the job.” Micheal shrugged.

“What do you mean?”

“Well, as eboys it's kind of our job to make the girls who watch our videos and like our photos feel like they're kinda dating us…”

“Oh that sounds super shitty and like you’re manipulating young women for money,” Sophie remarked.

“I mean, I don’t think we're hurting anyone.” Micheal rubbed the back of his neck, “our fans seem happy and all..”

Sophie could tell he hadn’t considered his actions as being manipulative before. “I just mean, wouldn’t it be better to be genuine with these girls?”

“I don’t know... I’m just following Howl’s lead, he’s like my mentor in a way? He has the most followers out of all of us, anyway.”

“Ah, it all comes back to that asshole.”

Micheal laughed, “Howl may be a ho but he never actually replies to the thirsty dms he gets from fans. He posts thirst traps and stuff, but when he pursues a girl it’s never a random one pining after him online, it's always in real life—and I genuinely believe he really thinks he's in love each time.”

“Hm.” Sophie contemplated Micheal’s defense of Howl. “What about the guitar?”

“Oh, he just carries that around to look cool. He can’t actually play for shit.”

“Yeah, that seems like him...”

“Why are you asking about Howl’s love life?” The boy wiggles his eyebrows, “You like him or something?” He teased.

Sophie gagged at the thought, “Jesus fucking christ it will be a cold day in hell if I ever look at that THOT with anything but disdain.”

Micheal laughed, “I mean if you did like him I wouldn’t blame you. There's a reason he's the most popular of us.”

“Well, I don’t see the appeal” Sophie stopped suddenly in front of a bustling cafe. “This is where my sister works,” she told him as she opened the door. The inside, the cafe smelled of ground coffee and freshly baked bread and was packed full of eager customers trying to get a midday snack. Sophie strained to look over the crowd to the counter where Martha was running around trying to take orders. She looked up when she heard the ring of the bell and smiled when she saw her sister. Her joy at seeing Sophie’s face in the crowd was quickly overshadowed, however, by her sudden shock as her eyes locked on the boy who was accompanying her.

“Can you talk?” Sophie mouthed.

Micheal followed Sophie’s eye. “Is that your sister?!”

Martha looked away from Micheal and nodded ‘yes’ to Sophie and motioned for her to meet her behind the door labeled ‘Staff Only’.

“She’s pretty…” he said quietly and felt a light blush creep up on his cheeks.

Sophie rolled her eyes and ignored him, “I’ll be right back.” Martha let her inside and the sounds of the bustling cafe were now muffled by the closed door. Martha embraced her sister. “Sophie! Where have you been!? I’ve been so worried! I came home to visit and Fanny told me she sold you!”

“I’m fine.” Sophie sighed and sat down after they pulled away from their hug. “I’m working as a maid in a house in the hills.” She told her.

“Oh Sophie that's awful, I’m sorry.” “It’s not so bad.” She gave her sister a reassuring smile.

“Well, I’m glad you’re okay...” Martha smiled back. “Also are you going to tell me what you’re doing here with Mike from MovingCastle?!”

“Oh yeah,” Sophie perked up, “I was going to ask, isn’t he one of those TikTok boys you’re into? Also what the fuck is MovingCastle?”

“Yes, I love them! I own like four of their merch shirts!” Martha exclaimed. “MovingCastle is like their brand name, like the Hype House or the Vlog Squad,” she explained. “Now, what on earth are you doing here with one of them!?”

“Oh, Howl’s the one who bought me so now I live with them.” She said nonchalantly.

“Sophie you bitch!” Martha slapped her arm.

“Martha, watch your fucking language,” Sophie said sternly.

“How did you get so lucky!” She whined.

“Lucky isn’t exactly the word I’d use.” Sophie frowned.

“It should be me!” Martha threw her hands in the air, “do you know how many fanfics I’ve read about this exact thing!”

Sophie rolled her eyes “Martha, please.”

“Oh, I’m just kidding! I’m sorry Sophie this is horrible,” she squeezed her sister’s hands, “I hope you find a way out of this and I wish I could help.” She told her.

“Thank you, Martha, but really I think I’ll be fine,” she sighed again. “I just wanted to stop in and say hi, I’ll let you get back to work.” Sophie got up and walked back into the loud chaos of the cafe and promptly pushed her way to the exit. Michael was still standing by the door where she had left him and he followed her out, but not before sneaking one last glance at the girl behind the counter— who blushed when she realized she herself had been caught staring.

“While we’re out here, why don’t we get some groceries,” Sophie suggested, “I noticed that you guys don’t have anything but hot chips and Mountain Dew Baja Blast™ in your pantry and, frankly, I’m amazed you haven’t all died of malnutrition by now.”

“Calficer got a stomach ulcer last year if that counts.”

“I-” Sophie was too baffled by their stupidity to finish the statement and decided to keep her mouth shut instead.

A few hours later, the two returned home to find Howl and Calcifer sitting at the now clutter-free kitchen table. Howl’s phone was propped against a can of Mountain Dew Baja Blast™ and they were talking to someone on the screen.

“Mike’s home!” Howl told his phone. “Come over here, we’re on live.”

“Ayyyyy!” Micheal put down all the bags he was carrying on the floor and joined his friends. The volume of his voice suddenly doubled and gained an unnaturally sugary texture. Sophie was the first to admit that she’s a bit out of touch when it comes to what's popular with “kids these days,” but she understood the basic concept of a livestream and did her best to quietly put away the groceries while staying out of frame.

Calcifer leaned towards the screen to read the chat “They want to know where you were.” He told Micheal.

“I was grocery shopping with Sophie!” Micheal said and Sophie went rigid at the sound of her name being broadcast to their followers. There was a moment of silence as the boys’ read the incoming flurry of comments.

Howl laughed, “Sophie, come over here! They wanna meet you.”

Sophie vigorously nodded her head ‘no’, backing away towards her room like a scared and feral animal.

“Awe come on, Soph,” Calcifer whined, extremely out of character.

Wordlessly, she flipped them off as she retreated behind her curtain.

“She’s a little camera shy, I guess.” She heard Micheal say. “Anyways, well she's basically like our housekeeper” He explained to their jealous and hormonal fans.

Sophie sat down on her bed as the livestream continued. _Nothing to do but twiddle my thumbs until they’re done, I guess,_ she thought, _Actually, you know what? Fuck this_. Fueled by annoyance and spite, she sprung up and threw her curtain open. Still trying not to draw the attention of the stream to her, she silently grabbed the bucket of cleaning supplies she had used this morning and barreled up the stairs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> idk why I went in on eboys like that I think I got magcon flashbacks


	3. In Which Sophie Cries Over Spilled Slime

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is this book Howl? Is this movie Howl? I don't know. All I know is that he is a bastard.

Michael, Calcifer, and Sophie were spending the evening in a comfortable silence as a spring storm raged outside.

“Sophie!” Howl’s shrieking voice cut through the quiet and startled the girl enough for her to drop her book. Suddenly, the man himself came stomping down the stairs and charged full speed at Sophie. He was fresh out of the shower and soaking wet with only a towel to cover him. “What have you done to my hair!” He yelled as he tugged on the dripping mess on his head.

Sophie now noticed his hair was no longer the soft blond he had built his brand around— but was now nearly jet black. She furrowed her brows, “I didn’t do anything to your hair!” She got up off the couch and stood her ground against him. She prayed that that towel around his waist would stay in place.

“Yes, you did!” He barked, “I told you not to touch my bathroom! But you ignored me, because of course you did, and mixed up all my dyes!” He dramatically threw himself onto the armchair. “I see no use in living if I can’t be beautiful.” He sobbed into his hands.

“Oh, you drama queen!” Sophie was at her wit’s end. “You’re a grown-ass man and none of this would have happened if you had cleaned up after yourself in the first place! But instead, you chose to live in your own filth like the pig you are! Don’t blame me for doing the job you brought me here to do!” She yelled. All the emotions she had been feeling over the past few days were finally boiling over. “You vain asshole! You’re crying over your hair color meanwhile, I was literally fucking _sold_ like a piece of _meat_ and forced to leave my house and family, you dick! Why? Because poor Howl fucking Pendragon can’t stand the thought of actually cleaning up after himself!” She threw her hands in the air, “You see no use in living if you can’t be beautiful?!” She cursed herself as she felt her voice begin to tremble. “Well, I’ve never been pretty a day in my life and I’ve somehow managed to stay alive so stop throwing a fucking tantrum!” She turned away, not wanting to let Howl see her cry, and stormed out of the front door into the rain.

“Howl, what did you do!” Micheal jumped up, “you upset Sophie!”

“Sophie?!” Howl exclaimed, “I’m the victim here! Look at my hair!”

Micheal rolled his eyes and followed Sophie. Calcifer got up and went after the boy, grabbing a black umbrella on his way. Sophie herself was now soaking wet from the heavy rain. Loose strands of her curly hair stuck to her cheek and her grey dress clung to her sides. “Are you ok?” Micheal asked as Calcifer jogged up next them and held the umbrella over the two.

“Yeah, I’m fine” Sophie sniffled, even with the umbrella shielding her from the rain, she could still feel water rolling down her cheeks. “He just pissed me off is all.”

“He tends to do that,” Calcifer said sympathetically. “Come inside, you’re gonna catch a cold out here.”

“I’ll be fine, I think I just want to be alone for a little longer,” she stared into the rain. Calcifer nodded and gave her the umbrella. “Alright, come in when you’re ready…” He went back inside. Micheal went to follow but looked back at Sophie one last time, who then gave him a half-hearted smile telling him to go ahead.

She was honestly flattered Micheal and Calcifer came out to check on her before they did Howl. _Maybe I shouldn’t be so critical of them_. She wasn’t sure how long she had sat out in the rain, but it had to at least have been an hour or two. She was grateful that the wind hadn’t blown any water under her umbrella and her hair had nearly dried. “I think I just needed a good cry,” she said to herself before deciding she was ready to go back in.

When she opened the door she was immediately greeted by a panicked Micheal. “Sophie, thank god you’re here!” He rushed over to her, “it’s Howl!”

Sophie groaned. “What’s wrong with him now?” Micheal took her arm and led her to the kitchen where Howl—his resilient towel still clinging to his hips—was squeezing an entire bottle of glue onto the kitchen counter while loudly singing a sporty tune Sophie didn’t recognize. “Is he drunk?!”

“Yeah…” Micheal said, “he didn’t drink much but he’s a bit of a lightweight…”

Sophie rubbed her temples. “Alright, I’ll take care of this.” She came over to him.

He stopped his melody when he saw her. “Oh, if it isn’t Sophie the terror.” he pointed at her with his now empty glue bottle.

“Howl, what on earth do you think you’re doing?”

“I’m going to make slime.” He said and pointed at a bottle of contact solution and a container of glitter off to the side as if it was obvious.

She sighed, “please, let’s just get you to bed.” She put his arm around her shoulder to keep him balanced and helped him towards the stairs. “I’ll take him upstairs, but can you please help him put on some clothes?” She looked back at Micheal.

“O-ok!” he squeezed past them and scrambled into the mess of Howl’s room to find a clean pair of pants. Sophie supported the majority of Howl’s weight as they slowly ascended.

“Sophie” Howl whispered, his breath reeking of booze, “you’re a liar.” He slurred.

“First, I’m a terror, and now I’m a liar?” She couldn’t help but smile.

“You said you’ve never been pretty a day in your life,” he swung up his right arm which had been hanging limply at his side, and lightly booped her nose, “but you’re pretty every day of your life.”

Sophie laughed, “let's get you to Micheal.” She dragged him along. Once she passed Howl off to Micheal, she went back downstairs and began to wipe down the sticky substance that was now spilling over the sides of the counter. The task was more time-consuming than she had hoped and by the time she was finished she was physically and emotionally exhausted, the weight of the day finally pressing down on her.

The next morning, she was quietly sweeping the floor when Howl came down the stairs, his hair still black but now neatly styled. He was up surprisingly early and his chipper demeanor was the total opposite of his attitude from the night before. “Sophie!” He smiled, “just the girl I was looking for!”

She eyed him suspiciously. “Why?”

He took a breath, “I-” his face turned slightly serious, “I wanted to apologize for yesterday.”

“Oh?” Sophie leaned against her broom and raised an eyebrow, waiting for him to go on.

“I may have overreacted a bit…”

“Is that so?”

“And you were right. What I did to you was wrong, I forgot there are downsides to human trafficking and I’m genuinely sorry that you feel trapped here.”

“I am trapped here but go off.”

“In my defense, your stepmother was the one who put you up for sale first so….”

“Mhm..” She crossed her arms.

“Anyways, what I’m trying to say is. I’m really sorry.” He sat down on the couch and motioned for her to sit beside him. “I want you to feel at home here,” he told her, “what can I do to help that happen?”

Sophie pondered the question for a moment, slightly started by how genuine he was being. She thought of the life she had led and while she did miss her sisters, they both had lives of their own now. There was nothing left for her there—besides, the thought of making another hat made her feel ill. “I'd just like a nice house with lots of flowers.” She finally said.

“I see,” he seemed to make a mental note of her response. “Oh, and,” he looked at the broom she was still holding, “don’t feel too pressured to have to clean all the time, the place already looks better than it has in years,” he chuckled.

“I actually find cleaning to be kind of therapeutic.”

He grinned, “of course, only you would cry about cleaning only to turn around and tell me you actually enjoy it!” She narrowed her eyes at him. He ignored her. “Is there anything else?”

“Of what?”

“Anything else that makes you happy ?” He asked. “I guess I just want to get to know you…”

“What do you mean?” She furrowed her brows.

“Well, I was thinking about how when we first met you said you didn’t really have any hobbies or anything like that…”

“Ya.”

He laughed. “No wonder you’re always so angry then.”

Sophie wanted to fight him but couldn’t help but laugh along.

“On god we’re gonna get you some serotonin,” he stood back up and offered her his hand.

“What are you going to work on today?” Sophie changed the subject as he helped her up.

“The boys and I are probably just gonna post some drafts and go live later.”

“What exactly do you guys post anyways?” She knew they posted those ugly ass thirst traps but didn’t really know any specifics.

“Well, you see, Calcifer is the bad boy of the group so he usually makes POVs using whatever edgy audio is going around at the time, Mike is our soft boy so he uses the cuter audios and just shows off his sweet face or makes dumb jokes.”

Sophie laughed, “alright so then what about you?”

“I do a little bit of both,” he shrugged. “What can I say? I'm a man of many talents. You would know that if you followed us on TikTok,” he teased.

“I straight up do not have a phone.” She told him.

“That’s so sad, can we get an F in the chat,” he frowned.

“What the fuck are you talking about bitch I’m going to kill you.”

Howl did not explain but rather just laughed at her some more before wordlessly leaving out of the front door. Sophie began angrily sweeping again and a few minutes later Calcifer emerged from his den.

“Did Howl leave?” He asked groggily.

“Yes, I have no idea where to though.” She answered him.

“I heard all the commotion last night, did he make a big mess?”

“He poured glue all over the kitchen counter, but other than that he did no further damage.” She squinted her eyes as she suddenly remembered his lack of assistance during Howl’s drunken stupor. “Where did you disappear to last night during all that anyway?”

“When Howl started drinking I just went into my room and decided that I didn’t want to deal with it.”

“Does he always react like this when someone messes with his beauty routine?”

“Sometimes, I saw him do it once before when a girl dumped him.” Calcifer shrugged, “but also that's how you know he's never really been in love,” he added.

“What do you mean?”

“You’ll know when Howl is in love when he stops giving as much of a shit about all this,” he grabbed a tuft of his own hair. “When he’s found someone he cares for more than his appearance.”

Sophie snorted, “good luck finding someone like that.”

“I don’t know...” Calcifer began, “I think he’s soft on someone,” he eyed Sophie, “like actually soft…”

“Who?” She raised a brow.

Calcifer did not reply. He shrugged his shoulders yet again. “By the way, did I hear him apologize to you just now?” He asked casually.

“Yeah?”

Calcifer pursed his lips, “he doesn’t do that often.”

“Somehow I don’t find that too surprising.”

The ginger boy said nothing more before retreating back into his room. Sophie returned to sweeping. _I wonder who’s captured Howl’s heart?_ She swept the dust on the floor into a neat pile. _Calcifer is one of his closest friends, he knows Howl’s heart better than anyone, so it must be true…_ _and he has been leaving the house more frequently lately…_ She suddenly felt a small pain in her chest, _maybe all this work is taking a toll on my health and my heart is giving out_ , she chuckled to herself. _I think I may even have a fever_. Instinctively, she reached up and felt her cheeks—pink and burning.


	4. In Which Sophie Blackens Howl's Name

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Howl takes Sophie out and she begrudgingly does him a favor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took so long to update! Heres whatever this is

A few days later, Sophie found Howl sitting at the kitchen table. A single envelope that had been ripped open sat in front of him. He looked distraught as he read its contents. 

“Howl?” She approached him. “Are you alright?”

He looked up, he hadn’t noticed her enter the room. “Sophie!” He perked up and hastily folded the letter and stuffed it into the pocket of his jeans. “How are you doing today?”

“I’m doing fine…” She looked at him with curious concern. “How are you doing? Who was that letter from?”

“No one,” he stood up. Sophie opened her mouth to push the subject, obviously something about that letter had troubled him, but he cut her off before she could. “Do you want to go out with me?” 

“I—” She narrowed her eyes and was angry to feel an involuntary blush rise to her cheeks, “what?!” 

“Do you wanna go into town with me? Let’s go shopping!” He smiled. 

“O-Oh,” she relaxed, “I would ask if you really had nothing better to do but I already know you don’t,” she grumbled.

“Wonderful! Let’s go!”

“Like right now?”

“Yeah, why not?”

“Alright,” she sighed and put down the broom she had been carrying, “let me just put on my shoes.” 

He waited for her outside by the car. Her long hair billowed in the breeze and she struggled to keep her hat on her head as she got into the vehicle. “What brought on this idea?” She asked him once he sat next to her in the driver’s seat.

“Can’t I just want to spend some time with you?” He frowned.

“I refuse to believe your motivations are ever anything but nefarious.” 

“You think so harshly of me?” 

“Well, I don’t think you got the nickname Heartless Howl for nothing.”

He chuckled, “where did you hear that?”

She shrugged, “it's what Clacifer and Micheal call you behind your back.”

“Good.” He laughed heartily as he drove them into town. 

“Do you have anything specific you need to pick up?” She asked as they looked for parking.

“Not really. I just felt like going out.” He pulled into a spot outside some designer store Sophie could already tell had nothing she could afford (or would even care to afford) inside. Howl hopped out of the car and held the door open for her. 

“Thank you,” she ducked under the low door as she got out and readjusted her hat. She looked up at the sign. “Why are we at a Gucci store?”

“I only buy the best.” He stated simply. 

“How you are not cripplingly in debt I do not know.” She rolled her eyes. 

“Fine, where do you shop?” 

“Ross, mostly. Sometimes I’ll splurge and go to T.J.Maxx.”

“That explains a lot.” Howl laughed. “Let me buy you something! A new dress!” 

“That’s very kind of you, but I will not accept anything that costs more than $20” She crossed her arms. Thinking about it now though, she wasn’t sure she had ever had someone offer to buy her something just because. Her family gave her small gifts on her birthday and such but as the eldest, she was usually the one shopping for the others. She had to admit it felt nice to almost feel cared for. 

Howl pursed his lips. “I’ll make a deal. Nothing designer, but there is a nice store down the street I think we could both enjoy.”

“Alright, lead the way.” Sophie smiled. He offered her his elbow and she politely accepted as they strolled down the street. She decided to push her luck, “so… are you going to tell me about that letter?”

He laughed. “You don’t know when to give up, do you?”

“Well, I could tell whatever it was had upset you and I wanted to make sure you were alright.”

“Ah, don’t tell me you care about Heartless Howl’s feelings?” He teased.

“Unlike you, some of us do have hearts.” She nudged him playfully as they walked. He eventually stopped in front of a boutique a couple of blocks down. The bell above the door dinged as they entered. Sophie started perusing the racks of clothing while Howl moved around with practiced intent, he reappeared by her side a few minutes later. 

“Try this on.” He held out a dress on a hanger.

“Blue?” Sophie looked it over.

“Grey doesn’t suit you,” he told her, “I think you would look nice in color.” He smiled softly.

“Thank you,” she took it from him and entered the fitting room. 

“Wow,” he smiled brightly when she came out, “you almost look your own age!” 

Sophie rolled her eyes, but as she looked at herself in the mirror, she did feel pretty. 

“Can I get it for you?” Howl asked. 

“I guess it is only fair after all you’ve put me through,” she huffed.

He laughed, “that’s the spirit!” 

After they left the store, the dress bag in hand, Howl led Sophie further down the street to a bustling Starbucks. Howl didn’t so much as look at the menu, already having an order memorized. Meanwhile, Sophie stared dumbfounded. 

“I’ll get a grande java chip with espresso and extra java chips and drizzle only at the bottom and sides and then marshmallow whipped cream on top but with caramel drizzle and the cookie crumble topping,” Howl said cooly when they reached the register. 

“I uh,” Sophie stared blankly, “can I just get a small coffee? With cream?” The barista nodded and input their order. Howl handed her his card and after they finished, the two grabbed their drinks and took a seat.

Sophie took a sip of her coffee. “The letter is still in your pocket.” She said. 

Howl couldn’t help but laugh, “you really are a terror!” He sighed, “Sophie, may I confess something to you?” 

“Go ahead…” She had never seen Howl look so serious. 

“I—” His eyes met hers as he seemed to search for the right words. “I have a PhD.” He finally blurted out.

Sophie blinked. “I’m sorry what?”

“A PhD is stands for philosophiae do—”

“I know what a fucking PhD is.” she cut him off. She looked at him slack-jawed. “Howl, you could have confessed to murder just now and I would have been less surprised.” 

“Don’t act like it’s so wildly farfetched,” he sulked.

“I’m sorry, it’s just that I had you pegged as nothing but an arrogant himbo.”

“That’s valid.” He took a sip of his obnoxious drink. “I do like to think that is part of my appeal.” 

She ignored that. “So, what does this have to do with the letter?”

“My old professor, Dr. Pentstemmon, is now the dean and has been trying to get me to join her staff for years. I’ve been avoiding her, but I’m afraid her patients are wearing thin.” 

Sophie was still half-convinced he had to be making this all up. “Why don’t you just say no to her?”

“I could never say no to her.” He frowned. “What can I say, I’m a coward!” A quiet moment passed between them as Spohie tried to process this new information and Howl looked down at his drink pensively. Suddenly, a smile crept up on his face. “Actually, now that you mention it, I think you might be able to help me!”

“Oh lord...” Sophie held her breath.

He took both her hands in his and began to talk excitedly. “Pretend to be my sister, go to the school and blacken my name— tell them about how I’m some no-good lazy influencer, lost to the throes of social media! Then she’ll back off!”

“Oh christ with a plan like that if you had told me you haven't graduated grade school I would have believed you.” 

“Sophie,” he pouted, “please..”

“Fine..” She sighed. _I can’t believe I’m agreeing to this ridiculous plan_ , she thought. “When should I go?”

Howl immediately perked up. “Later today! Why waste time!” He smiled, “I’ll drive you over tonight, but once we reach the campus you’re on your own.”

“Alright…” 

“You can even wear your new dress!” He smiled.

“Oh is that what it was? A bribe?” She raised an eyebrow.

“No, of course not.” He frowned. “I just thought it looked nice on you and it could be a good occasion to wear it.”

“I was just teasing, no need to get so defensive.” She took another sip of her coffee.

_________________________

When the two of them got back home, Howl immediately disappeared upstairs only to reemerge a half hour later in a new outfit. “I’ll be back by the time we need to leave for the university,” Howl told Sophie, offering no other explanation as to where he was going, simply grabbing his untuned guitar and heading out the door.

Sophie remembered what Micheal had told her about Howl only using his guitar to look cool and get girls. She rolled her eyes and wondered who his victim was this time. She had just sat down on the edge of her bed when Calcifer walked past to go get a drink from the kitchen. 

“Does he always go out with the sole purpose of picking up girls?” She asked without thinking.

“Pretty much,” he shrugged, “but again, it’s usually just one girl at a time. It’s like he’s in some kind of contract with himself he's obligated to complete before he moves on.” 

“Hm, gross.” 

“Not like that,” Calcifer chuckled. 

“Oh I know, I just think he’s gross.”

“You guys hung out today, right?” Calcifer pointed to the dress bag she had put down by the foot of her bed, “did he buy you that?” 

“Yeah, I have to wear it tonight when I go to talk to his old professor,” she sighed.

“He roped you into that mess?” Calcifer raised a brow. 

“Mhm, he should be back in an hour or so to take me to the university.”

“Good luck, making agreements with Howl is a dangerous game.”

“Stupid more like,” she laughed. 

_________________________

“That dress looks nice on you…” Howl said as he drove Sophie back towards town. When he had returned from his outing he changed yet again before getting back in the car to drive her to the school. 

“So you’ve said.” Sophie chuckled. 

“It’s the truth. You’re beautiful but half the time you don’t seem to believe it.”

Sophie blushed and stared down at her hands in her lap. “And how have you any idea what I do and don’t believe,” she said in annoyance.

They sat in silence for a moment. Howl, for once, decided not to egg her on. 

“So,” she eventually broke the quiet once they were nearly at their destination, “where have you been sneaking off to lately? Have you been visiting a new girl?” She chucked.

“I don’t see how that's any of your business,” he teased, “unless you’re about to confess your undying love for me.” 

Sophie snorted, “save it for your simps.” The car began to slow as they approached the university. “Where am I supposed to go anyways?” She asked. They stopped outside a building with an intimidatingly lengthy set of stairs that led to its entrance.

“Just go up there and her office should be the first door to the right. Don’t worry, she knows you’re coming.”

Sophie tentatively took the car handle and let herself out, gently closing the door behind her, gawking at the architecture before her. _Talking shit about Howl is going to be easy, there’s so much material to pull from,_ she thought to calm her nerves. 

Howl rolled down the passenger window behind her, “Oh, and Sophie!” She turned around, “while you’re in there, please refer to me as Howell Jenkins.”

She nodded, _Howl Pendragon had always sounded kinda fake._ Sophie turned back to the stairs and began to angrily make her way up. She found herself already out of breath halfway up, _who designed these fucking steep ass stairs?_

Once she reached the top, she took a moment to catch her breath before looking for the first door Howl had told her about and knocking politely. 

“Come in,” she heard a dignified voice say from the other side of the door. Sophie turned the handle into the stately decorated office. An older woman, who despite her age had an unwavering sharpness in her eyes, sat behind a large maple desk. “Sophie Jenkins, I presume?”

Sophie took a tentative seat across the desk from the woman. “Yes, that’s me.” 

“It’s a pleasure to meet you, but I must say I was surprised to hear you’d be coming in Howell’s stead.”

“Doctor, will all due respect, I believe that you are making an error in pursuing Howl—Howell, for a position on your faculty.” She hoped Dr. Pentstemmon hadn’t noticed her mistake.

“Oh? And why might that be?” She asked.

“Howell is a menace!” Sophie began. “All he cares about is his looks—he spends _hours_ getting ready—and all this only to spend his days posting pictures of himself on social media and going out to pursue romantic victims!”

“So, it is your personal belief that Howl would be a poor instructor?”

“Yes—” Sophie began instinctually, but then she thought of how she'd watched Howl teach Micheal how to utilize new filters in his videos, how to dress for the latest trends, and how to make himself more marketable—while all those things aren’t comparable to teaching a complex subject at a university level, he has shown pronounced patience and promise with his pupil. She thought of all the nights she'd watched him pour over contracts from potential sponsors and it almost reminded her of the meticulous eye of a professor looking over his students’ work— for all the shit she gave him, he deserved some credit. He had built a career out of minute-long videos of himself —and all this without any guidance from a manager and without any previous experience in business. The thot was smart and there was no denying it. “No…” She finally answered truthfully. 

“But you do think he's a womanizer—a menace—who should not be trusted around female students?”

“He is a heartbreaker: I’ll give him that—but he's not actually dangerous..” Sophie looked down and thought of Howl, “he's actually quite kind. He's a bit of a player, but he’s not malicious, I think he's just confused about what love is and isn’t. He's not a monster, just a romantic...”

“Perfect, then it's settled!”

Sophie snapped her head back in Dr. Pentstemmon’s direction, she had almost forgotten what she was here to do. “Wait I-” She tried to argue.

“Oh there's no need, dear, I made up my mind before you even got here.” Dr. Penstemon leaned forward towards Sophie and smiled. “Now, won’t you tell me who you truly are?”

“I-I’m Howl’s sister.” She stuttered, surprised by this turn in events.

“ _Howell_ only has one sister, and you’re not her.” She told Sophie. “When I heard you were coming I knew this was somehow a part of one of his half-baked schemes.”

Sophie sighed, “yeah this was pretty stupid..”

“For all the brains he has on him, that boy really doesn’t think.”

Sophie nodded in agreement.

“So, are you his friend?” Dr. Pentstemmon asked.

“No…” Sophie answered, though she wasn’t sure why. She felt that she and Howl were friends by now but it almost felt wrong to say…

“So his girlfriend then?”

“No!” She exclaimed wide-eyed.

“Hm.” Dr. Pentstemmon seemed to come to her own secret conclusion. “Anyways, it was a pleasure to meet you, Sophie.” Dr. Pentstemmon smiled and got up to shake her hand. She opened her office door and Sophie dutifully left.

_________________________

“Ah, there she is!” Howl smiled when Sophie returned. He leaned against the mantle of the fireplace and held his phone out to her. “Look what I got!”

Sophie went over, an email from Dr. Pentstemmon illuminated the screen. The subject line read: “Welcome to the Kingsbury University team.”

“Only you could be sent to blacken my name and come back with a job offer for me!” He laughed, as disgruntled as he had been this morning at the prospect of this job, he doesn't seem to be upset about the situation. 

“So, does this mean you’re taking the job?” She furrowed her brows.

“Yes, but only for the money.” 


	5. In Which Howl Receives A Gift

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sophie nearly kills a man and then kills a car out of sisterly love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this fic becomes less and less ironic with every chapter, and consequently less funny. But this is my serotonin farm and if the seeds I sow are softer than usual then so be it.

“Sophie, it has come to my attention that you don’t have an Instagram.”

“I don’t even have a phone,” she replied flatly.

“The fact that a dinosaur like you has managed to survive this long in the 21st century is perplexing to me.” he teased, “anyways, I got you this,” out of his pocket he pulled a new iPhone and handed it to her.

Her eyes went wide, “I can’t accept this.” 

“Naw, keep it. Besides, I’ve already downloaded ig and you need that to make an account and follow me,” he winked.

“Ah, there’s the catch.” 

He stood next to her, placed his hand on the small of her back, and pointed at the phone with his other hand, “make your account!” his excitement mimicked one of a puppy whose master had just come home. 

Sophie entered her information into the app, “what should my username be?” she tilted her head.

“How about…SophieTheTerror.” he teased.

She sticks her tongue out at him, “I think I’m just going to go with SophieHatter..”

“Oh you’re no fun,” he pouted. “Okay now follow me!” 

“What’s your username?”

“RoyalWizard” 

“Oh my god, that's so lame..”

“I think it’s very cool!” He tells her, “also follow Mike and Cal, TheApperntice, and TheFireDemon.”

“What, are you guys professional DnD players? What the fuck is with these names?”

He shrugged, “they fit our brand.”

“Whatever you say…” She side-eyed him.

“Set a profile picture,” he tells her.

Sophie tapped on the icon and opened the camera, taking a quick picture.

“God not like that, don’t you know your angels?” Howl looked at her horrified, “You really are an old woman.”

“In my defense, I’ve never taken a selfie.”

“That's a damn shame” He shook his head and took the phone out of her hand, he posed and took a photo of the two of them and handed the phone back to her. “Let me follow you back!” He pulled out his own phone, “there, now you have one follower.”

“Two, actually.”

“Look at you go! Soon you’ll catch up to me.”

“Who’s WitchOfTheWaste?”

Howl went rigid, “here let’s just.. Block that account... “ he tapped on her screen and Sophie’s follow count went back down to one.

“Why? Who is she?” Sophie furrowed her brows and went back to the account. 

Howl sighed and shut his eyes like he had a sudden migraine. “My ex,” he told her.

“Oh,” Sophie knew Howl was a bit of a fuckboy but for some reason, she hadn’t considered whether Howl had ever had a real relationship, and for some reason, it saddened her.  _ I’m probably just pitying the poor girl whose judgment was so clouded as to actually date him, couldn’t be me god bless.  _ Her eyes went wide as she realized she recognized the profile picture, “that’s the shitty customer who convinced my stepmom to human traffic me!”

“Yeah that tracks,” he sighed. “We were only together for a couple of months, back when I was in uni,” he explained, “she was a business major and I thought she was hot, but I got bored and left and she vowed to destroy me or whatever…”

“She  _ what _ ?”

“She also took off online at around the same time as me, so she's always trying to cancel me..”

“God this is all so petty.” Sophie said, “but that’s still kinda fucked up of her, this is your livelihood after all. But I guess you’re also an asshole and you kind of deserve it.”

“It’s whatever, just ignore her and hopefully she’ll go away…”

“You should confront her about this” Sophie said, “I hate you but also if it has been that long since you broke up she should move on, get some therapy or something.”

“I don’t know about that…”

“Howl, if she’s actively trying to ruin your reputation you should do something about it, dumbass.”

Just then, Micheal came through the door, “Sophie!” he rushed over to her, “I have something to tell you!” He side-eyed Howl, “in private”

“I’m going out anyways,” Howl sighed before walking out the door.

“What's up?” Sophie asked, “you good?”

“I am beyond good!” He smiled, “I’m in love!”

“Oh?” Sophie raised a brow, she had really taken a liking to the boy as of late, “who's the lucky girl?”

“Martha!” He said, too elated to remember who he was breaking the news to, "She was never talking to Howl! It was all a mistake!" 

“Excuse me she was never talking to  _ who? _ ”

“Howl!” Micheal was still beaming, “I thought they were talking but she says she has never even met him!”

“She’s a kid! Why didn’t you say anything if you thought she was talking to Howl! What the fuck is going on!”

“I had overheard Howl telling Calcifer that he was talking to your sister and I was nervous because  _ I _ had been talking to Martha but it turns out it was some misunderstanding!”

Sophie spoke calmly, the kind of calm that was hiding murder right below the surface, “ _ Howl said he’s been talking to my sister?” _

“Sophie, no don’t be mad!” Micheal pleaded, “he isn’t talking to Martha! And Martha and I, we’re in love!”

“Oh Micheal sweetie no I'm not mad at you— though if I find you break my sister’s heart I will kill you, I do know where you sleep and I’m also the only one who knows how the kitchen is organized anymore—- but that  _ bitch _ has been doing what? I need you to tell me exactly what was said.”

“Sophie! Don’t call your sister that what's wrong with you!”

“I’m talking about Howl! He’s the bitchboy here!”

“Oh,” Micheal nodded, “I don’t know,” he shrugged, “Howl said something about how your sister had been the girl he’s been sneaking out to meet.”

“I—” Sophie had a fire in her eyes that burned much brighter than the mess of Calcifer’s hair, “Micheal, do you know how to drive?”

“I only have my learner’s permit, Howl refuses to take me out to get my practice hours so I can take my test.”

“Hmmm,” Sophie thought for a moment, “on second thought maybe I don’t want you to be an accessory to murder,” she grabbed the keys off the table. “I’ll see you later, if not I’m in jail. Take good care of Martha.”

Micheal chuckled nervously because he could see she was not joking, “alright…”

Sophie did not have a driver’s license either. This is something she failed to tell Micheal before she left. Still, she arrived at Lettie’s office building within five minutes, which was a miracle considering they lived well on the other side of town.  _ And I only almost hit one person, _ she thought, proud of herself. She hopped out of the crookedly parked car and looked around frantically for the tall man she was about to suplex into the concrete. 

“Sophie?” Lettie was coming out of the building and looked concerned as she hurried over to her, “what are you doing here? Is everything alright”

“Have you been talking to a tall, dark-haired asshole? He has bangs and always wears his shirt with one button too many undone?”

“You mean Howl?” Lettie blinked.

“I’M GOING TO KILL HIM!” Sophie roared. “What has he said to you! You know he can’t even play that guitar? You don’t love him do you? Please god say you don’t.” Sophie would be spitting fire if she could..

“Sophie, calm down!” Lettie told her sister, “I first saw him come in only recently—I’m not sure what for, but he came back a couple of days later looking for me specifically. He was very flirty and I wasn’t having any of it, but my boss saw me talking to him and told me that he was some kind of chemistry genius and maybe I could learn from him so I let him stick around, though I was pretty sure he wanted something from me. And then one day in passing I mentioned I had a sister named Sophie and suddenly all he could ask about was you.”

“Me?!” Sophie exclaimed.

“Yes, you. Why? Are you okay? Is he stalking you or something?” Lettie’s face filled with concern.

“Yes, I’m fine.” Sophie told her, “I’m just glad he’s not trying to fuck you…”

“How do you even know him?” Lettie tilted her head.

“I live with him.” Sophie stated simply, “I have to go,”

“Sophie, wait!” Lettie called after her, very confused and concerned. But she was ignored by her sister who had gotten back into the red car and sped off, running over the curb in the process. 

In her blind rage, she got home in nearly half the time but didn’t even realize until the airbags deployed as she hit the closed garage door. 

“Oops.” She put the car in park and let go of the wheel before forcing her way out of the car.

“Sophie what the fuck,” Calcifer and Micheal came out to stare at the wreckage. 

“Oh look,” she said casually, “the mail is here.” She picked up a package from the doorstep and pushed past them into the house.

Howl came home only a short while later once everyone had settled back into their respective spaces, deciding not to do anything about the mess outside yet.

“Calcifer,” Howl called when he came in. Calcifer poked his head out of his room, “it wasn’t me! It was Sophie!”

Howl looked back at where Sophie was wiping down the kitchen counter and began to laugh, “of course it was Sophie!” Calcifer disappeared back into his room and Howl plopped down onto the couch, putting his feet up on the table as he scrolled through TikTok.

“There was a package outside for you,” Sophie told him and placed the small, carefully wrapped, box on the table by his feet. 

“Oh?” he raised his eyebrows and looked at it over his phone. With a grunt, he sat up and reached for it. He placed it on his lap, untied the long spindly ribbon, and swiftly removed the ornate wrapping paper. Inside was a short, sealed, cylindrical, plastic container with a round label reading ‘Witchy Water’ on the top of the lid. Howl frowned.

“What is it?” Sophie sat down next to him and leaned over to look in the package.

“Bath water,” Howl sighed.

“Oh god what the fuck??” Sophie recoiled, “who the fuck sent you their bathwater?!”

“WitchOfTheWaste.” He carefully took the jar out of the box, holding it only with his middle finger and thumb. 

“Your ex sent you her bathwater?” Sophie asked in shocked disgust and watched the liquid move inside the clear plastic. 

“Oh good,” Howl’s scowl deepened, “there’s more.” He picked a small white card out of the bottom of the box and read the note inside:

_ Dear RoyalWizard,  _

_ A thirty dollar value and it’s all yours for free! :) Can you believe my generosity? I love doing charity like this <3.. It was a pretty bold move, blocking me on insta and ignoring my duets on TikTok! But don’t worry :) I’m not mad :) : ) In fact, I want to help you >w< ! After all, I love helping smaller influencers get off the ground by getting their name out there! That’s why I’ll be excited to start #HowlIsOverParty! That is, unless you leave social media forever uwu ! Delete your accounts or I’ll make you!  _

_ -xoxo Witch of the Waste ; )  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you have ever left a comment on this, I hope you know I love you and would die for you.


End file.
